Want to Become a Great Stepparent?

Entering a new relationship as a prospective stepparent is an exciting process that is filled with complexity, risk, and opportunity. Couples tend to struggle with blending families because they enter the process with expectations about the way things “should” be. Even after years of work with blended families, I also fall into trap, thinking, “you shouldn’t do that; you should do this instead.” I want to talk about how I am right, how I am wrong, what I have seen work, and what I have seen not work.

I just had a discussion also in this channel with Heather Beebe, who is a Life Coach in Upstate New York (you can find her at https://www.unstoppableyoucoach.com) and is also a successful “blender” of families. We discussed what worked for her in the process of blending families. You can find my discussion with Heather at https://youtu.be/fH9sng-bQP4.

What works?

The research speaks to two general categories of blended family best practices. First, it is important to establish a relationship with your stepchild that is fun and enjoyable for both of you. I often see stepparents become involved too quickly in a parenting or disciplinary role. This may be because the parent of the child has been overwhelmed in the single-parent role for a long time and is looking for reprieve or because the new stepparent is excited to have a positive influence on the child and on the new blended family.

Fair warning . . . this can backfire.

If you step too quickly into becoming a disciplinarian or too quickly into telling your now partner what they should and shouldn’t be doing as a parent, it can lead to problems in establishing a healthy blended family. And . . . ready for this? . . . Your new partner can become resentful of your input . . . even if they asked you for it!

I know, right??

As a new stepparent your first focus should be on developing a healthy, fun, and friendly relationship with the kids. Spend a lot of time playing games, laughing, and telling jokes. Get to know them. Listen, A LOT, and talk less.

Listening is not the easiest thing, especially if you are a natural problem solver, but it is something that can have a HUGE impact on your relationship with your stepchildren and is something to get good at. This means being a patient, non-judgmental listener. It means putting your phone down, turning toward them, making eye contact, and listening. It means not giving advice that you were not asked to give. It means not telling them that they are wrong for feeling a certain way. Instead, it might sound like, “it sounds like you had a really rough day. It must have been really hard to hear your best friend say that about you.” Listen and validate. It’s not time yet to give them direction unless they’re asking for it.

Bam! Trust goes up a tik or two.

This period could last a couple of months, or even six months to a year or more.

Second, especially when your stepchildren are younger, it is important that you show them that you have both their best interests in mind as well as their parent’s best interest. They like to know that an authority figure, which is really what you are (you just don’t want to be blatant quite yet!), is looking out for them.  This might look like picking up their favorite food at the grocery store or buying them some of their favorite clothing maybe. I am not suggesting that you buy gifts for them. The goal is to show that you are thinking about them when they are not around and that you are trying to make their lives safer, easier, and better. This might also include helping them with homework. It might include an offer to attend a parent teacher conference and respectfully backing off if they are not quite ready for that.

This is about showing your stepchild that you’re interested in their wellbeing and that they can count on you when needed.  

Indirect Strategies

Respect

It is important that your stepchild see you treat their parents—yes, your new partner AND your stepchild’s other parent—with respect. If the kids sense disrespect, especially early in the relationship, the chances of developing a healthy blended family decrease significantly. Do not call names, do not argue (loudly or too much), and do not belittle, undermine, or usurp the authority of the children’s parents. When these things happen children will often defend their parent aggressively or passive-aggressively, even if your judgment of their parent is correct.

Children do not defend unhealthy family dynamics; they defend dreams of their ideal family, filled with love, warmth, nurturance, caring, hugs, laughter, and memories unformed. Sometimes the solace of dreams is enough reason not to destroy them.

Do not discipline prematurely

In the early stages of stepparenting, your job is to follow the lead of the child’s parent when it comes to discipline. For example, “this is not something that your father would want you to be doing so I cannot allow it,” or “your mother asked me to have you go to bed at eight o’clock, so I’m respecting that.”

In the early stages of blending a family you are not the primary disciplinarian, and you likely are not a parent figure. You may become an authority figure, but that’s different. There may come a time, in the months to come, that you will be granted the authority by your partner to become a primary disciplinarian, but that authority must be genuinely granted.

The kids must be receptive

The process of parental divorce and family separation represents a major loss for children. Giving children a sense of control over who enters their world shows age-appropriate respect and gives them a much-needed sense of control. This does not mean that you do not move forward with your new relationship and with blending families; that would be far too much power for a child to bear. Instead, children can be given age-appropriate choices, healthy boundaries, and opportunities for input. For example, you might consider rearranging your world a bit to respect your child’s difficult emotions: “I was going to go out to dinner with Mary tonight, but it looks like you’re having a rough day and might like me to hang around home tonight. I’m thinking about going out with her tomorrow evening instead. Does that work better for you?” You are not giving them inappropriate control; you are respecting your child during a difficult emotional transition.

Stepparent Roles

In addition to developing essential bonds with your stepchild, you will also need to establish clear roles and expectations for that relationship. There is no right answer, but there are guidelines.

Friend

Research suggests that being a friend first, and maybe even for a long time, is important for the development of trust. You can do this by listening, playing games, and laughing with them, by supporting and caring for them, and by being a non-judgmental listener and communicator. To become a disciplinarian, it is essential that your stepchild trust you. If you attempt to become a disciplinarian before trust with the child is established, even if you have buy-in from both of your stepchild’s parents, you are not getting that role. Your sincerest efforts backed by the very best parenting practices can easily result in a power struggle with the children that you are going to lose every single time.

Nurturer

You can also be a nurturer, which is a little bit different than a friend. A nurturer is  somebody who tis trusted by the child to care for their emotions and their physical needs.

Mentor

A third stepparent role is as a mentor. Being a mentor means that the child trusts you to guide them, offer advice, and to keep their best interests in mind. Being a mentor entails respect and enjoyable shared time. As “mentees,” children hear your thoughts on social relationships and on sexual relationships when if they are older; they can look up to you for how to study or how to get work done or how to develop values and morals and belief systems.

Dealing with Your Partner’s “Ex-”

The dynamics surrounding your stepchildren’s non-residential parent can be a cauldron of boiling emotions for your partner, your partner’s ex-, and the children. Children are very sensitive to loyalty conflicts, and as you become increasingly present in the children’s lives, the children can become confused about where they should invest their emotional energy. The very best practice here is to establish a working partnership with both your new partner and with the stepchildren’s other parent. Your goal is to respect the wishes of your partner’s ex- regarding parenting, morals, and values, and to do so without undermining your own!

Right! This enigmatic dynamic is loaded with caveats and blind corners that can keep you up at night—but only if you fight it!

The simpler solution? Respect your partner’s ex-. If you simply cannot respect them, be neutral. Remember, most children will choose their biological parent when “asked” to choose.

“But I would never ask them to choose!” You do when you make negative comments about the children’s non-residential parent or when you impede their relationship in any way. Remember, children defend their ideal parent; they defend what they think their other parent can become. It’s also useful to be positive or neutral about your partner’s ex- when you are speaking with your partner! Avoid putting anyone in a loyalty or in a position where they must choose an unagreeable course of action. This can quickly backfire.

What might your relationship with your partner’s ex- look like?

Talk with them! Learn what’s important to them. Do not step on their toes as parents or disciplinarians; instead, defer to their authority as parents. Respect and encourage their relationship with their children. Say nice things about them and eliminate negative comments.

You also will need to become comfortable with your partner talking, frequently, with their ex-. Remember, your partner needs to establish and maintain a business partnership with their ex-, so it’s important that they communicate often about both minor and major parenting issues. It is best if you do not get in the way of that process. I will also suggest that, just as you need permission from your ex- to become a disciplinarian to the children, there is a lot of value of getting the same permission from your stepchildren’s other parent. Just run things past them occasionally. Collaborate a bit.

You want to eliminate any dynamic that will produce loyalty conflicts or that suggest that you are attempting to “take over” as a parent. Parents will become possessive—you would too if roles were reversed.

In a Nutshell

Establish trust from your stepchildren by becoming a friend first. Avoid jumping into a disciplinarian role until you have buy-in from your partner and your stepchild. Establishing a collaborate relationship with your stepchild’s non-residential parent will reinforce and strengthen this dynamic.